


you're standing right beside me but i miss you anyways

by marquelict



Category: Broadchurch
Genre: F/M, Love Confessions, Unsent letters, Yearning, alec hardy is a fucking sap, if this is ooc then whatever i like it, yes i'm american sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 10:27:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19868083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marquelict/pseuds/marquelict
Summary: Words from a letter that Alec never sent.





	you're standing right beside me but i miss you anyways

_Dear_ ~~ _Miller_ ~~ _Ellie,_

_The times I’ve dreamt about you are unmeasurable. You sit on my chest like a heavyweight. I can’t lift you off of me, it’s so irritating. I hate this thing that we have because I’m so confused, so lost. I need you like you’re a part of me, but the things I want are impossible. When there is a case, when there is anything, I keep dragging you along. Always. We’re undoubtedly a part of each other's life; a part that can’t be disconnected, cut off, left alone. The unspoken words between us are bleeding out, oozing themselves into a giant puddle. I want to tell you many things. But I can’t. I am forcing myself to be quite lonely, you see._

_There’s a part of me, too, that feels that I am forcing you into this spiral. I’ve done things I regret. Quite a few in the first months we met, and then some now. After Joe, everything’s been quite muddy. And with Sandbrook: everything from before, during, after, in-between. Stuff when I met you and stuff that happened long before._

_Sometimes I regret not dying and then I realize I’m so happy to have lived. I’ve been able to accomplish so much. My heart doesn’t trouble me so much anymore, but I am sorry to tell you that it is suffering so much ache. I hate complicated words with meanings that stretch infinitely, but I think I am yearning._

_It’s all quite hard for me to put into words. I’ve had my heart broken before. Just as you have. And I am so fearful of reopening the cuts. I see you sometimes, sitting at your desk, gazing at a person we’re questioning, licking a 99, and all I can do is think: you’re happy right now. And when I think further, I believe that if I confess my yearning, my admiration, and hope, your happiness will fade right away. Because I know I often infuriate you. It’s a stupid part of me that I’m trying to correct._

_In case you don’t mind, there are things I’ll list that I want. So desperately, in fact, that my chest aches in the mornings, in the afternoons, in the evenings, in the middle of the night when I can’t fall asleep. I want to wake up next to you every morning. See you smile, roll over, hide your blush — you already do when Beth Latimer whispers into your ear when the two of you pass on the street. I feel like the person awkwardly peering into your intimate relationship with her. You’ve both experienced tragedies that can never quite be remedied. Besides. I want to buy you ice cream, buy you whatever you want, anywhere and everything. I don’t like the idea of holding hands, it is by far too excessively intimate, but in the confines of some privacy, maybe I’ll just lay there with your hand in mine for hours on end._

_You know me, I will never admit to being a sap. But you turn me into someone I’m not. Someone I used to be before I became a detective. Before life ever got truly tough. I am not okay, but I could be okay if you were here. I don’t really understand love anymore, but if I ever become strong enough to approach you about our unspoken words, we could figure it out together._

~~ _Sincerely_ ~~ _Love,_

_Alec_


End file.
